Happy Days

Over the past spring I became a born again runner.  Gradually I am working my way back to a running programme, a slow but steady increase in distance and with that an increasing confidence in the strength of my body. I am slowly letting go of worry and fear. Will I be the same runner as I was before? Probably not!

Like the mushroom I have emerged back into the world - the routine of the early morning  weekend sweats. But like anytime you put an old uniform back on - it does not quite fit.  I feel different on these runs and not just because I am unfit. Experiences of the past 18 months have changed me and I cannot go back to who I was before.  After any period of profound personal grief -  you realise that life just rolls on with or without you.  Bad things happen to good people - that's the lottery of life.  For me, acceptance of that has been a pathway to peace. Practicing daily gratitude - I realise that I have so much to be thankful for. Running is just the icing.  

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

 Reinhold Niebuhr

Starting Line

Saturday, September 14, 2013 - I am running

Today I had a glimpse of my old self as I stood at the top a smallish hill having run all the way to the top – I have not been able to do this for some time. As I stood at the top, I closed my eyes I could feel the blood pumping through my veins, the sweat dripping down the small of my back, the warmth of the sun on my skin and I could hear the sound of the ocean waves braking on the shore.  And at that moment I knew that it was wonderful to be alive and that this was a new beginning, I am starting to shed the anxious, sick and weak self and embrace the fit, healthy and a more confident  me. 

A cog has shifted in my perception of what I can do and I am willing to push myself and explore my new limits.  So what, if every 28 days I have to go into hospital to be recharged – the rest of the time I am as good as I can hope to be.  I can't let doctors have the decision on what I can and can't do. 

I am at stage 2 of becoming a runner (again).  Over the past fortnight I have gradually started to introduce running into the walks and gradually increase the length of the walk/run session and the length of the run section.  I started off with 5km walk/run at 500m intervals.  Today I did 10km at 1.5km run/500m walk intervals. The running pace is slow but I have learnt to be patient, one thing at a time. It is just good to be breaking a sweat doing what I love. The next stage, 30 minutes of continuous running, followed by running longer (stage 4) and the running faster (stage 5).

In the meantime I have been out and about getting inspiration from other runners and taking lots of runners in action photographs. 

Fresh Start - Spring has Sprung

September 1, 2013 
Today I rejoined the land of the running.  I walked/ran 15 km around the Bay and feel that maybe, just maybe, it is possible that  I can do this running thing again.  I am regaining confidence in my body and I am starting to hope and to dream. I just need some big and audacious goals to aim for.  I read this quote and it kind of sums up where I at:

"To move, to breathe, to fly, to float,

To gain all while you give,

To roam the roads of lands remote:

To travel is to live.”

- Hans Christian Andersen

Werri Beach Weekend

A week of celebration and reflection (March 15-22, 2013) 
Past weekend, Hammer and I drove down the south coast to attend a nephew's wedding at Gerringong.  A glorious weekend spent with family and sharing their special day.  The south coast continues to inspire with wild and stunning scenery.

A rainy Sunday morning sunrise at Werri Beach.

Sunday morning sunrise at Werri Beach. 

On the Friday before heading down the coast I saw an orthopaedic surgeon for advice on the knee pain. He turned out to be a lovely and approachable kind of guy - he is a runner.  After reviewing the scans and checking out my knee his advice was surgery. The tear will not get better and will cause more problems as time goes.  It has been almost 12 months of various conservative therapies - it will not get better. So after mulling on it over the weekend and trying to run again, I decided to go ahead with surgery - next Wednesday. After chatting to him about running and the recent of the Six Foot Track Marathon, which he has also completed, and me saying that I do want to get back to running, he said maybe set your sights on something like the Mothers Day  4 km - next year. He advised that about 30 % of the medial meniscus will need to be removed and running would not be recommended if you value your long term knee health.  I am hoping that he is just being conservative.

I hope I am not making a mistake - time will tell.

Spectating Six Foot Track Marathon 2013

Can't believe it has been 24 months since my last race, the Six Foot Track Marathon 2011. I had such a good run then, feeling strong, controlled and enjoyed the race from start to finish. It was my third 6FT race and I had ended up with stonking PB to boot - it couldn't  get better. So with my health issues over the intervening period and the cancellation of last years race I was curious to see what my reaction would be this year as a spectator this year supporting Hammer in his 6th race.

We left home at 4.30 am to drive up to the Blue Mountains, arriving at 6.20. Plenty of time for Hammer to get ready and for me to mingle and experience the buzz. Hammer was not feeling confident after a great season training he got the flu (from me) and missed training for about 3 weeks in February. All the really big runs. I tried to gee him up a bit, reminding him of his terrific form before the flu and maybe the forced rest would have done him some good.

Conditions were perfect. Cool in the morning with sunny conditions predicted with top temperature in the low 20's.  I have to admit the atmosphere at the start was electric. It was the first time since my  troubles started that I felt the hunger to race. Not in  a melancholy way, but a kind of joyous, celebratory kind of way that we as runners test our bodies and our minds against our limitations, our training, the conditions and the course.  I could see it in the faces of runners around me. Nervous expectation was evident regardless of status, fast or slow, novice or veteran.  To train without injury all through summer, approach the race with a plan and manage to have it go to that plan is a race well run regardless of finishing time and placing.

The Black Range is where this race really starts. What will it have install for runners today? I guess my hunger for racing was reawakened this morning remembered how much I looked forward to this section. Never being sure how my body and mind would react. To go deep inside and face your innermost self, to bargain, to persevere and eventually emerge into the pine forest feels either triumphant  or shaken or stirred. But always feels like you've conquered a monster.

Wave 1 just before the gun.

I was taking photos at the start - limited by low light. Interesting the official race photographer asked me to move when I squatted low on the ground in front of him. He said my head was in the way. Pretty sure it was not true as he provided plenty of shelter for me. But I moved anyway, he was there to do a job and make money while I was just playing.  I took all the start line photos using my nifty fifty 50mm f/1.8 - great for low light but not so good for action.

I had serious lens envy.

The wave starts worked seamlessly. An interesting observation that of all the waves the most dangerous place to start this race is in the front of wave 2 - it was definitely breakneck and take no prisoners.

A mad rush to the stairs in Wave 2

After all the waves were under way and the spectator buses started to load I drove around to Caves House at Jenolan Caves.  Stunning scenery with mist shrouded valley stretching out. I wanted to stop to take some photos but soon realised that if I kept stopping I may not get to the finish before the first runners started to arrive. It took about one and a half hours to get around to Caves House. I walked up Mt George to maybe have a vantage for pictures but realised that I was extremely unfit and was lacking in confidence to tackle the steep terrain. The narrowness of the path would make it difficult to get back to the finish line without getting in the way of runners coming through.  I decided to walk back to the now ready finishing area and got a volunteer pass to come into the finishing chute to take pictures. Spent the next 3 hours photographing finishers.

 The best part was developing the images the next day. So many images made me smile, I was happy not because the photos were good but because in my mind I captured the spirit of the race and the joy on the faces of the finishers.   I know that feeling, I know where they've been. I know what they had to do to get across that finish line.

"Life is not about making other people happy. Life is about sharing your happiness with others"

End of Summer

Absolute highlight of the week would have to be the most glorious sunrise last Wednesday. After a few attempts to take sunrise photos with my proper camera earlier in the week, I finally gave up as most mornings it was pretty blah.. So on Wednesday I just went out for an early morning walk and took my point & shoot camera (just in case).  I was about a kilometer from home as it started to get light and I realized that sunrise was going to be something spectacular  - just enough cloud to add interest. Magic hour just at sunrise and then it gets light and everything fades. I read a quote somewhere that said something like - the best camera in the world is the one in your hand when shit happens. And so it was on Wednesday.

I still have not decided if I will see a surgeon.  Through the past week I convinced myself that the pain in my knee  felt much better after a few short walks, so I thought it needed to be tested  by trying to run.  Nothing major, a few laps of my local beach on Thursday morning. The sunrise on Thursday was another gorgeous orange blob gently emerging over the horizon. No time to savor the sunrise, I was focused on running, I was coming back. The knee felt fine - I was over the moon.

As you can see it doesn't take much these days to fill my cup of happiness. But then I did something silly. Later in the day I was flexing the knee to check that the pain had truly subsided. Each squat felt OK - now I was getting really excited and then - bam out of nowhere the most awful searing pain which brought me to the ground.  Painful through the night and to walk on the next day.  So maybe I will make that appointment after all.

Life goes on

I am almost resigned to being a full-time patient this past fortnight, although an impatient one. I have  been suffering the worst flu I have had for some time while having to spend endless hours in medical appointments. No creative photography these past few weeks just lots of MRIs, as part of my now annual medical follow-up.  Will this damn flu ever end?

The follow up scans are needed as I seem to have a few asymptomatic bony lesions on the sacrum,  which no one has been able to fully diagnose. Due to my cancer history and current diagnosed condition everyone is hedging their bets and I don't want a biopsy as I have no symptoms.  Will wait to see what the recommendation is this time around.

But the knee pain had returned after I started running on sand.It was the right knee not the left which I fractured in 2011. I asked my neuromuscular registrar about it but she said an MRI wont show anything. Phew - who was she trying to kid? Luckily she was overruled by the specialist who agreed to refer me to have the knee scanned again. This is now the main thing that is holding me back from being able to continue my comeback to running and any other kind of regular physical activity.

For most of last year my right knee has been painful and swollen. This in addition to painful tight muscles made it difficult to walk any distance and I had assumed that the knee swelling and muscle issues were related.  Turns out it was not so - the residual problem in the knee is  a medial meniscal tear.   I knew about the meniscal damage since last years scans but the sports doctor I saw then assured me that it was not the reason for the swelling and pain.  Late last year I saw a physio who told me it was osteoarthitis because I  was a runner and because of my age (i.e. old). I went to see another physio who said it was meniscus damage - without having access to any scans.  He showed me how to tape the knee to unload the medial aspect. The taping and specific muscle strengthening exercises helped to get me to stage where I started to run pain free at the start of this year. I am hoping for a quick fix and will be looking to see a knee surgeon for an opinion.

But the flu and the pain in the knee did not stop me from dancing the night away at a Harry Potter themed 21st/farewell party.   Life goes on...(without running for now!)

Bubble, bubble toil and trouble a pinch of weed and....

Birthday girl 

Sunny Days & Sunny Boys

I am addicted to running.  It is more then just running to me, it is who I am, it defines me. The addiction explains why we obsess over niggles or run through injuries or have endless, and often unproven treatments, just to make sure we can continue to run.  In the past when my GP  commented on my low resting heart rate or my excellent blood pressure, smugly I would answer - of course it is because I am a runner.  Now my resting heart rate is much higher, my blood pressure is low and my body fat is many percentage points higher then when I was running. Can I still claim to be a runner?

A feeling of a runners high - a picture I wish I had taken.

I am like a recovering addict, I have my good days and have my bad days. Being a yo-yo is tiring, I want to be accepting and grateful for what I have in my life right now and not give up hope for what might be in the future.

I though I was over my addiction to running until I met Hammer for breakfast last Sunday at Belmoral.  He ran the Mosman Reversed long Sunday training run while I went for a short walk to Chowder Bay.  I have run the Mosman course so many times and I loved that it always challenged me and I would arrive at the rotunda absolutely spent but euphoric that I managed to do it yet again.   Run a long distance in training, over challenging terrain in heat and humidity having chatted to old/new acquaintances along the way. A sense of  accomplishment and an achievement of a better me. I did not train because I wanted to win, I just wanted to challenge myself to do  the best I can. Never confident in my ability and always testing and pushing what I thought were my limits.  The feeling of overcoming my weaknesses would carry me until the next fix.

Being at the finish of Sunday's training run, meeting people I would have run with in the past was a powerful reminder of just what I have lost. Seeing the exhaustion, the satisfied grins on faces and the happy chatter I felt like an outsider standing under the rotunda, I no longer belonged. All I can do is watch but I am unable to connect and there was no camera to hide behind. I could not distance myself, I could not share the joy and I did not wish to be a wet blanket by detailing my 'injuries'. The depth of my despair with my 'injuries' did not belong in this setting. I think it is funny that people still ask how my injury is going.  The last person to asked me that question did not wait for an answer but proceeded to tell me how their injury flares up after three and half hours of running. Sweet lord, if only I had an injury like that.  Even I can't call what has happened to me a disease as it is somehow and admission of something beyond my control. I refer to it as a condition, it sounds a lot more manageable. According to my logic it OK to be around healthy people when you have a condition but not when you have a disease.

Going to a sea-side cafe for breakfast with Hammer, Matt and Brig afterwards was nice but there were no post-run endorphins to add that extra kick. The following morning I was surprised by hot tears welling up in my eyes and streaming down my cheeks as I recalled my rotunda realisation.

The other end of the emotional yo-yo was the absolute highlight of the year -  last week Hammer and I went to see the Sunny Boys perform live as a support act to Elvis Costello - A Day on the Green at Bimbedgen Winery in the Hunter Valley.

For one sweet afternoon, nearly 30 years melted away and once again I felt like an infatuated 21 year old singing along to songs that back then were so profound and had so much meaning. Life was so simple then, but I definitely would not want to go back there. Psychologist Søren Kierkegaard said:

 Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards.

My photography has stalled a bit over the past few weeks. Suffering a shocking flu and endless medical appointments.  Good news and sunny days must surely follow.

Happy pills !

Back on the trails

Knapsack 3/6 hour Lap Race, January 26, 2013

Spent Australia Day this year in the lower Blue Mountains for the running of the Knapsack 3/6 hour lap race. Rather then meet with friends over a drink to celebrate, we met with friends over a few hours of running 5km laps of stunning bush trails near Glenbrook.

Hammer entered the 6hr solo event. He had not done this type of event before so he was keen to see how he would cope with the idea of running laps. It turned out to be a hot and humid day with mid-day temperatures in the mid 30's.  I was very proud to see him valiantly go lap after lap for the entire 6  hrs. Great effort from someone not known for coping well with heat and humidity.  Took me two and a half hours to covered one lap walking and  taking pictures, while Hammer managed nine laps in just under six hours.   Hammer ran again the next day while it took me the next three days to recover from stiff muscles and fatigue.  

I took my third eye (Canon 60D)  to try and capture something of the beauty of the landscape and the joy of running, oh and of course the focus and determination of racing.   

Australians all lets us rejoice, for we are young and free.....Start of the Knapsack 3/6 hour Lap Race.

The winner of the men's 6hr event, on the way to completing the first of his 14 laps.

Hammer time, still smiling despite the heat and humidity.

Smiling all the way to the finish.

These ladies ran like a precision machine for 6 hours.

Great view east from a lookout and a nice breeze from the valley below.

Trying to be creative!

Summertime High

Temperatures soared last Friday to an all time high. I went out to take some photos just before sunrise on Friday. So little cloud does not make for a spectacular sunrise picture. But then the sun rose like a flaming ball. I was ever so grateful that I did not have to be anywhere in particular on that day, that I did not have to wear a suit, that I had a naturally cool place in the house to retreat to at mid-day when it was so still you could hear the wasps buzzing around and that I can walk to the beach to cool down.

Lone tree on the headland, just before sunrise

And then the flaming sun popped over the horizon.

After the furnace heat subsided, Hammer and I went to the beach for a swim just as the storm arrived. Wonderful feeling running across the sand in the rain to dive in the water. Reminded me of camping on the reef in summer.

I am  running every other day on sand. Muscle feel stronger. So far so good -  baby steps. 

Hoping to rebuild muscle strength before attempting to run on the road. 

Running Reflection

Thursday January 17, 2013 - Running on sand
I have a running diary for every year since I ran my first marathon, when I decided to run the 2000 Host City Marathon to celebrate  a milestone - 2 year cancer survivor. I was frightened by the disease and I did not have confidence in my ability to cover the distance. I have come a long way since then.  I am now 15 years post-cancer and whilst it is not helpful to look, back I am trying to stay positive an not get despondent about  this new life-changing event.  But it helps to have hope and to have something to aim for. I survived cancer I can survive Dermatomyositis.

I have a secret goal to return to running. Muscle flexibility is returning and I am working on rebuilding strength. Last visit with the specialist in December, she was pleased with the effects of the treatment but finished off by saying - "Take it easy with any exercises you do. You won't be running any marathons soon".  That sounded like a target to me - but I must keep it to myself.

This is how I felt before the IvIg kicked in. 

So with New Year turning a new leaf and all that, I bought a new training diary and I have started clawing my way back by first aiming to rebuild confidence in my body. That means ability to run and to run without falling over, or maybe removing the fear of falling.  Sand running was perfect, if I stumbled and fell  it would  be a soft landing.  Week 4 of the new year and I have worked up to 3km of continuous running, heart rate through the roof and feeling in my lungs is like being scarped by a razor blade. And today - no falls but two near misses.   A dip in the crystal clear ocean when I finished was just perfect. But by the time I got back home, even though it was early in the morning,  the skin on my hands was inflamed.  D'uh  ....I realised that I had forgotten to  put sunscreen on  my hands.

I never thought I would celebrate reaching a milestone like today  - I ran 3km continuously and I did not fall over.  Just have to remember the sunscreen.

So what running was I doing on January 17th for the past 12 years:

2012 - 12km in 1:22 at Bermagui spotted gum forest with Hammer. Ignorance is bliss, although I was painfully aware that something was not right with my muscles.
2011 - Rest day after  30km Pymble pushover the day before. Ugliest 4hrs I have ever suffered, ran on an empty stomach and no refuelling.
2010 - 18km in 2:20 on the Yurebilla trail in Adelaide
2009 - 32km in 3:30 on the new Narrabeen Trail run.
2008 - 14km in 1:15 to Long Reef with Hammer
2007 - 10km in 51:50 to Collaroy
2006 - 25km in 2:25 to Queenscliff return with Hammer
2005 - 20km 1:55 to Dee Why return - ran in the dark on Dee Way beach remember not feeling safe.
2004 - 10km to Collaroy with my old training buddy Phillipa.
2003 - no run
2002 - 5km run with my dog
2001 - no run
2000 - 7km Mona Vale loop (beginning of training for the Host City Marathon on 30 April 2000).

Lots of happy memories revisiting old training logs. Hope that by January 17, 2014 my training diary is full and I am off the sand and back on the road.

Reality Bites

Over the holiday period I think I have managed to convince myself that life will be back to normal and we may be able to scrub 2012 and pick up where we left off. I spent a few days last week volunteering at running events. And while in no way was I ever tempted to run for 12 hours through the night, I could not help but admire the fortitude of those who did and succeeded in smiling all they way to the finish of the Narrabeen Allnighter. I was the volunteer photographer and below are two of my favourite images from the race.

A few runners reported hallucinations just before it got light.

Eleven hours into the run and still gliding smoothly at the Narrabeen Allnighter.

And then reality returned on Monday when I had to return to hospital for an antibody top-up so I can go for another month. I was surprised by the wave of tears that overwhelmed when the cannula was inserted into my arm. Not sure why, except that maybe in the back of my mind I was hoping for a miracle in 2013 and now it has struck me that magic does not happen when the clock strikes midnight for a New Year. Just have to adjust to a new normal and be patient.

This is my new normal for a short time each month

Fireworks

As I was too lazy to get out to the harbour to watch the New Years eve fireworks,  I tried to capture the ones we can see from the deck. Pretty loud and spectacular even though we are at least 25km away. 

NY  Fireworks

NY Fireworks

Goodbye Twenty Twelve - close the door on your way out

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise"

Amazing how ones spirit is lifted when there are a few sunny days in a row. The last three days of the year were also the best. Yesterday was my third outing to the beach since the holidays last January, so far so good.

And today, a pre-dawn run on the sand and a swim in the sea to greet the New Year. Oh happy days! 

Goodbye 2012.